And Then Some....

Today was supposed to be a happy day, a day filled with hope. And while I am still quietly happy for this historical day, we here in my little universe have had a loss that will haunt us for quite some time to come...

In June we adopted a Boston Terrier from the Sacramento SPCA named Scout. I don't know how he ended up at the shelter because quite frankly, he was the best dog I've ever known. He had so much personality, was so loving and loyal...He became part of our family immediately. We loved him and he loved us and we couldn't imagine life without him.

He was accidentally run over in our driveway today and passed away in Jamie's arms seconds later. The grief I feel is compounded by watching my daughter grieve over her beloved friend (Scout was her dog). My heart is broken...

Agony...

You know how they tell you that narcotics and alcohol don't simply have an additive effect, that they actually multiply each other? Well...chronic illness and any other illness interact the same way. Especially when you consider all those missed doses of medication and the dose thst simply did not stay where you put it.

We are in agony, here in our little universe. The midget and I followed up our fantastic Saturday at the zoo (more about that when we feel more human) with a killer stomach virus that hit last night and is still making it's wretched, painful effects felt. Send sympathy vibes our way.

Platitudes

A new poem. Spent the night reading my favorites...Plath's "Daddy" and "Mad Girl's Love Song" Cummings, "I Carry Your Heart With Me" and "Anyone Lived in a Pretty How Town", and "The Red Wheel Barrow" by William Carlos Williams. While I'd never consider my work amongst these greats, they do inspire me...



Platitudes

i would revel in your platitudes
if i could find some grain of truth
close my eyes and trust in tomorrow
but today is yesterday’s tomorrow
and it feels the same
static and unchanging
and you will spout your rhetoric
Time the great hero, the whitewasher of our sins
speak to me of future peace
but the present is the past’s future
and nothing is new
and i have not changed

Someone, Somewhere

I always feel I have to
take a stand
and there's always someone on hand
to hate me for standing there
I always feel I have to open my mouth
and every time I do
I offend someone
somewhere

-Ani Difranco (What if No One's Watching)

So, not being an out in the world kind of girl these days, I've found a couple of online forums for people with similar interests, my favorite of which is the rat forum www.goosemoose.com to which I've belonged for nearly two years now. We spend a lot of time worshipping our fuzzy little rodents (nope..the rattie obsession hasn't dimmed, it's still going strong), and an a little time talking about ourselves, our lives, and the world at large.

Anyway..I managed to get a thread locked today, and in just three posts, which is a record for me. But the person I was yelling at had it coming. She pulled the same sort of crap that racists who don't want to admit they're racists always do...you know..."I have a black friend so I know all about black people." Look...let me tell you something. The second someone mentions their black neighbor, their gay aunt...I'm pretty sure whatever else is coming out of their mouth is going to be complete bullshit. It's always something like..."Look, I don't have anything against gays, because I have two gay neices, but I voted yes on Prop (h)8 because I don't think activist judges should overturn laws voted on by the people."

Now, the whole point of this post is...yes, I'm sick. No, I can't leave the house most of the time and yes, I'm turning into a hermit. And yet...I still find a way to offend stupid people who insist on holding on to their racism, sexism...etc. There's a lesson there, I think. Something to hold on to when my tendency towards maudlin self pity laments all the things I've lost.

Oooh...and I'm dropping the midget off with her stepmother after school today, so maybe I'll get a chance to offend someone else...

Little Things

I miss the little things I took for granted when I was healthy. I miss that going to bed meant going to sleep. I miss being able to wear a ring all day because I could know that my hands weren't going to swell four sizes daily. I miss being able to make a plan and stick to it.

A good friend is having a baby. (Yay!!) And the baby shower is this weekend. Saturday in fact. And I really, really want to go. But, I've been having these quasi-seizure episodes, I've been in more than usual pain, and last but by no means least, I'm swollen like a beach ball. Not really presentable. I don't even look like myself, not even vaguely recognizable. So, who knows if I'm going to make it. Especially as the girlfriend works that day which means driving myself and having to rely on myself to make it home.

Ugh...so I'm going to rest (wait, do I do anything else...ever?) as much as possible betwixt now and then and hope like hell I can make it. Because I've missed a lot of crap over the years...but this is one of my girls. One of my favorite girls in the world. One of my pint of Ben and Jerry's and chick flick girls. Whose pregnancy I've been eagerly awaiting, because I know she is going to be the cutest pregnant lady ever. So, yeah..going to super pissed if I miss this.

If I Pee On It...Will That Make It Mine Again?

Okay, so my general slothfulness aside, I'm sure it's obvious this blog was by and large abandoned, drifting quietly into cyber-oblivion. The truth is, I've spent the last few months pretending this blog didn't even really exist. When you have something personal taken and used against you by a person for whom you have nothing but disdain and contempt in the most damaging way possible, it's a complete violation. And that's what happened here. A person, who for various reasons shall remain unnamed, that has expended considerable energy into creating trouble for me, the Queen of self-induced drama (thanks, but I don't need the help creating drama in my life), took what was written here and used it to endanger the one thing that for me should be inviolate, untouchable...my daughter. And so, I couldn't even come to this page without feeling that stomach wrenching anger, and then I thought...What the fuck am I doing? I'm tied to this person for the foreseeable future and this person, for whatever reason, will always find a way to use whatever possible weapons to hurt me. So, why on earth should I give up something that is cathartic for me and occasionally amusing to at least one other person in the universe? So, screw it. This is my truth. And if you don't like what I have to say...then don't fucking read it.

So, yeah...I'm back. And that tiny (okay, maybe not so tiny) little part of me that dances around with petty, vindictive joy at being a general nuisance to those who dislike me might actually override my inherent slothfulness and keep me around.

Yeah, so I've been up all night....and I'm damn tired. But I really need to go have blood drawn, so that I can proceed with a few other tests that the dr wants to perform on me. Fun, fun, fun. My body, with it's charming sense of humor has thrown a new symptom into the mix...a seizure that isn't really a seizure. See, when people have those seizures where their eyes roll back in their head and their body flops around, they lose conciousness....me? I'm aware the whole time, but can't control my body or force my voice to work. It's like a really bad nightmare...but I'm not asleep. It scared the crap out of me, and even moreso the girlfriend who got to witness one of these fun little episodes. It even scared the best friend who didn't see it, just heard about it. So, while the upside is...hey not really a seizure the downside is...What the fuck is it? What the fuck does it mean, and most importantly, how the fuck do we get it to stop?

On a positive note, Christmas is done. And I survived. And the kid had a great time. Who could ask for more?