Sunday, March 22, 2009

I Won, I Won, I Won!!!

Okay, so I'm a big Boston Terrier fan. Scout was the best and most wonderful dog I've ever met...shhh don't tell my other dogs. Once Scout became part of our family I became obsessed with all things Boston Terrier. One of my favorite sites is Little Beasts. They have lots of great links to all things Boston and fantastic pictures of the little beasts, Bergamot and Emrys.

They also have a weekly photo with a caption contest. I stalk the site and have been trying to win the caption contest for awhile now, and I finally did!! I will get a snazzy Boston Terrier sticker to put on my 4Runner.

Anyway...check out the picture here with my fabulous caption.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Notes from my subconscious

My good friend, the Archaeogodessess' comment on another friend's blog, Craigorian Chant that reminded me of a recurring dream I have.

I've had it in some variation for years. But, basically it follows the same theme plotline every time. In the dream I get a phone call from Erin telling me she is going to some foreign country and that she wants me to come with her, but that we're leaving tomorrow. I get excited and pack my bags and get ready to go and get to the airport before I realize that I don't have a passport and cannot therefore board the plane.

I think it's an important dream, in that I think it's something I'm guilty of doing in real life. Not literally, of course. But, I tend to get excited and jump immediately to the "trip" or whatever ideal I'm looking for, and forget to do the stuff it takes to get me there. I've referred to it as "First Day of School Syndrome." You see, every year I would start school with a resolve to be a good student and do everything right.

And I would, too. For about a week and a half. And then, I'd start putting things off, getting behind, staying home from school and getting further behind until it was two weeks from the end of the semester and I realized I was about to fail. Then I'd bust my ass and do just enough to get me that "C" or whatever, and swear to do better the next time.

It takes more than making a resolve. I need to look at what stops me from doing things, what keeps me from really being able to get what I want, because it's not ability or intelligence, it's something else.

I've got a lot of work on myself to do. I have to stop hiding from reality and work on changing things slowly and figuring out why I let fear stop me from sticking to things. I'm going back to therapy, for lots of reasons, but this is going to be the most important one. Because if I don't figure it out, I won't stay in therapy long enough to deal with the depression that caused me to shut down over the last year and a half, or the other issues in my life that keep tripping me up. It's rough enough being sick without getting in my own way over it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I Couldn't Say It Any Better

Oh what I'd give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more--O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that's falling apart?
A serious flaw--I hope You know that

-from Waltz For Eva and Che (Evita soundtrack)

Monday, March 16, 2009


you and me against the world
and we knew it all
and we would last
outlast and endure
but here i am
an empty house, empty mind
empty heart
mopping the kitchen floor
the last thing
you said you'd do
before you left
so many broken promises
between us
so much pain
in the she said-she said
the obstacles between us
a loss of forgiveness
trying to breathe
in this barren world
where we don't exist

Saturday, March 14, 2009


To whom is she referring in her Myspace status?

Good Things About Chronic Illness...

So, I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning about all the negative things about chronic illness, so I thought I'd take some time and make a list of good things. Something to remember in the middle of my pity parties...

1.) Bra wearing has become a "special occasion" (i.e. I'm leaving the house) event.

2.) No one ever asks me to help them move, and I can say things like..."If only I felt better, I'd help you move." Knowing damn well that I wouldn't, but also that no one is asshole enough to call me on it.

3.) Drugs...I get them. Fun ones, too, sometimes. Nothing like a shot of demerol to perk up your day.

4.) I don't have to remember my name, date of birth or any of that nonsense when picking up prescriptions because I am on a first name basis with all of the pharmacy techs at Safeway.

5.) Any effort on my part to be dressed and presentable is applauded with the same amount of enthusiasm usually reserved for people reaching Everest's summit.

6.) Naps. I used to lament that no one ever told me to go take a nap. Now, not only is that frequent advice, it's advice I usually feel no guilt for taking.

7.) The vast majority of my wardrobe is made of pajama bottoms, thus fulfilling a lifelong dream.

8.) I have watched every single episode of least twice.

9.) I have a well stocked and frequently updated Gaia account.

I was going to put more things on this list, but when I went to add that number 10, I realized I'd have to do some fancy layout stuff to keep it from looking all wonky and since today my ovaries are attempting a coup and even my eybrows hurt...well, suffice it to say that nothing fancy shall occur today.

Friday, March 13, 2009


The smell of place where her neck meets her shoulder.

Contemplating Singledom

So, the news here is that the gf and I are "on a break" or "in a separation." Basically it's like hitting the relationship pause button. I have no fucking clue what the future hols and if we can make it work again. I don't know if that's even something she wants to do. I asked her to move out while we were going through this because I can't sit next to her without trying to talk about the situation and my hormones are so damn wonky that everything escalates to screaming, crying drama.

I'm trying to process my own feelings about what it will mean if we do not reconcile, how it will feel for the first time in my adult life to be single. To know that there is no fucking chance that there is a relationship in my future. It's scary. I've been in a couple for so long that I don't remember how to function independently. It's terrifying.

Last night, I was doing some small household things...taking out the trash, doing laundry, feeding the animals...and it occurred to me, this has all been on me for awhile now, so this is not new...Cass and I will work all this out, it's not like we're depending on her for this sort of thing.

Financially is a whole other story. I don't have the money to make this household work without her. My sister is coming down to stay in a couple of weeks and that should make a heck of a lot of difference there, anyway. Plus, having another adult in a thousand mile radius I feel comfortable talking about all this with will, of course, be a big help.

I don't know what to do. What are the rules of separation? Is it like being single or is ir more like having a partner that's deployed or something? And how long do you allow it to go on before you demand answers and make a final decision? I'm definitely in foreign territory here.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ways to Fucking Piss Me Off...

I am dead fucking tired of all the Fibromyalgia medication commercials and the lies they are telling. I'm sick of seeing this active, happy person who is "living happily" with Fibromyalia thanks to "Bullshitadone" a new treatment for Fibromyalgia.

Because you know what? It trivializes what Fibro is. And it makes people around you treat you like dog shit because you aren't doing as well as the people they see on t.v. Those commercials should show a woman running around in her clothes on backward with bags under her eyes, limping with a cane and having to hear how exercise is the key to making everything better, but no one tells you how to do it. No one has a way to give you the strength to face the additional fatigue and pain that starting an exercise regime entails. It's exercise, you're a good person who has worth and you will magically feel don't exercise, regardless of how you feel or what the effort costs you and you are a worthless piece of shit that deserves all the pain you are experiencing.

And since my Fibro doesn't live in a vaccuum, I get to have the added complications of hormonal disorders and sleep disorders and god only knows what else that they haven't figured out yet. I don't have any of my conditions even under a margin of control, and it's somehow all my fault. I'm to blame.

And you know what? I have fucked up and not done what the doctors told me to do, but some of the things that doctors have told me to do would have literally killed me if I had done them, so how do you know what advice to take and what advice to ignore? And how do you find the courage and strength to keep fighting when all you want to do is curl up into a ball and make the FUCKING PAIN STOP ALREADY? How do you fight the crushing fear, guilt, anger, and grief long enough to brush your fucking hair, let alone contemplate some convoluted treatment plan that works for a whopping 33% of all Fibro patients who have no other complicating factors?

How do you stop feeling sorry for yourself long enough to fight back for what you've lost?