Monday, October 22, 2007

Wait...Is This How It's Supposed To Feel?

Thirty feels a bit like a rip-off, I have to say. Certainly not what I imagined 30 would feel like when I was a kid. Thirty was sort of the "it" age for being an adult. And whatever I am, I don't feel like an adult.

There are times when I alone with my little monkey and I think to myself...geez, does anyone know that I'm responsible for a whole other person? It's insane to make decisions about someone else's life when I'm such a mess.

I literally don't feel any different inside now than I did when I was 18. Maybe a little sadder, but that's not really true, because eighteen year old me was an even bigger mess than thirty year old me. At least now I can look up from the middle of a wallow in self pity and say, "Come now, Laura, aren't we feeling a bit more sorry for ourselves than is strictly necessary?"

And in case you're wondering, yes I do talk to myself in pretty much exactly that way. As though there are a group of me and we're all kind of laughing at the others. And if that revelation's not enough to get me put in a nut house...

But, seriously. At what point am I going to feel like a grown up? You know I've paid rent and had a car payment and all of that for years. I've changed diapers and sat up in the middle of the night with a sick child puking all over me and every damn dry cloth in the house. I've even made meatloaf...on purpose. I've done all this stuff that signifies grown up, and I still feel like I'm teetering around in my mom's heels and at any minute someone's going to figure out I'm just a kid playing dress up.

I mean, okay, the average life expectancy is 76. Thirty is pretty damn close to halfway there, and I still don't feel grown up. Or is it a third...crap, why wasn't I ever any good at math?

My point is, when do you finally say, yeah, okay I'm a grown up and I've got this whole life thing figured out. How old am I going to be before I finally get that feeling?


Anonymous said...

This might be a rather shallow thing to say after such a thoughful post, but "Happy birthday!". See you around Christmastime.


Erin said...

Erm, I'm 29 and still in school. And I have grey hairs. I'm pretty much confused as to what is "grown up" myself. I used to think that being grown up was having a morgage. But the Danish Boy has one and that means soon I will too and so I've changed my mind. Childhood, or perhaps, non-grownupness, is a state of mind. As long as you feel young, you are.

So put on a red clown nose and meet Jamie at the door, honking wildly.

jenn said...

Again, I thought I was the only one here. I have been wondering that for years. I thought something was wrong with me, like I had the female version of Peter Pan Syndrome or something. The only thing that seems like has proven my adultness (is that even a word?) is my finely developed jaded outlook and my almost numbing fear of commitment. Still I wonder daily, how did I get here, and what I am supposed to do now? But now I don't feel so inadequate and alone anymore. Thanks to both of you, Laura and Erin.

Canada Mom said...

....and it can go on well into your 50s.......hmmmm.....