I Would Never Wish Bad Things...

I try really hard to "be the bigger person" and it takes something outrageously unacceptable for me to cut someone out of my life. I've forgiven things I thought I'd never forgive, and have learned that saying "never" to something is pretty much the quickest way to bring it about.

That being said...I'm extremely quick to anger. I have a short fuse and it doesn't take much to make me lose my shit and scream at someone. But that's usually where it ends. It's rare for me to hold a grudge. The only way I can even bring myself to do it is by ending contact with that person, and even that is not foolproof. I believe in second chances, I believe in letting people make amends, if they are so inclined. Life is so short and choosing hate over love, choosing hatred over forgiveness seems so wasteful. There is plenty of anger and hatred in this world, and far too little forgiveness and acceptance.

Of course, I'm human, and an extremely high-strung human at that. While my heart breaks over any tragedy that occurs to someone, I must admit I take a fiendish delight in the smaller mishaps that occur in someone's life when I am angry with them, or if I don't particularly care for them. Is it honorable? No, of course not, and regardless of how altruistic I want to be, when I'm hurting over something that someone has done to me or to someone I love, I want them to feel a bit of that. I want there to be some kind of punishment. I'm not saying I want bad things to happen, mind you...

A former friend of mine referred to this sort of thing as "tiny acts of terrorism." Of course, these were things she would do, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about things I can't control that makes the person in question a tiny bit unhappy. For instance, I'm watching the last season of The L Word right now, and one of my ex's favorite characters (Shane) has hooked up with her most hated character (Jenny). And I have to admit I thought about the reaction she'll have when she sees it (if she hasn't already) and I giggled...for about five minutes.

I don't want bad things to happen to her, or anyone else for that matter...but there is a tiny vindictive part of me that would love to exact revenge. Thankfully, the rest of me is a bit more mature and compassionate. So, while I genuinely hope that she finds the happiness that has eluded her, and that nothing catastrophic happens in her life, I refuse to feel guilty about my moment of vindictive glee. And I'm honest enough to admit where it comes from, and that it exists...can you really ask for more from me?

Things That Suck

Having only 8 episodes of Season 1 of True Blood until the weekend of June 28...I am so not good at waiting...

Late night panic attacks.

Having nothing new to read.

Empty promises.

....There Is a Season

There is a place here in my home town that has seen every season of my life. It's right down the road from me, it's known as "Lion's Park," but for the uninitiated, it's sort of a misleading name. It's not really a park in the traditional sense of the word. No long stretches of unnaturally green manicured lawn, no swings or sand boxes. It's got a few ramshackle picnic tables, a few ugly cement barbecues and the prerequisite "outhouse." It's also got a creek and beautiful native trees and grasses.

Here in my home town it's a common site for teenage assignations and anything else you don't want your parents to watch you do. Needless to say, I've spent a fair amount of time there and it holds a lifetime of memories, good and bad. I've fallen in love there, laughed there, cried and screamed there. It's seen my frantic first kisses and angry break up scenes. It's seen my daughter grow from a hairless baby in nothing but a diaper to a beautiful girl on the brink of adolescence. No other place in the world screams home to me the way it does.

Tonight, after spending the evening with my cousin, watching our daughters run around like maniacs, I drove my daughter to Lion's Park. We sat on the tailgate of my 4Runner, listened to music and stared at the stars. The feeling of history was so think you could touch it. It was one of those sweet moments you could almost feel hardening into a touchstone to bring out in later years and remind yourself of what used to be...

The Best Saturday Night In Ages..

So, last night was one of the best nights I've had in ages and ages.

I won't talk about the week that led up to it. I'm putting that in the vault until I'm a bit more...erm...calm and rational.

Anyway, this being the Italian Picnic weekend here in good old Amador County and my dear friend Craig, of the Craigorian Chant, being a member of the Italian Benevolent Society was in town. And, unlike the last time he was in town, I was not only available, but feeling well enough to meet up with him. We spent a fabulous couple of hours laughing about the messes that are our separate love lives. Of course, as is par for the course when it comes to any conversation about drama with my friends, my crappy love life totally trumps his crappy love life in terms of sheer drama and craziness. Still, after the last few months of either spending time with people who are totally happy in their love lives (nothing more nauseating at the moment) or people who have simply given up on having a love life, it was a refreshing change. And, as usual, he was just a lot of fun to talk to. Every time I talk to him, I want to smack the next straight girl I see, because it makes no sense to me at all that no one has snared him, yet. If I knew a single straight chick who wasn't completely batshit crazy, I'd hook her up with him. Sigh...

After that I went to the Italian Picnic to meet up with my sister, my niece and my daughter. We handed the tickets off to the girls and went and had a beer, which makes two in one night, and also two in the last year. We wandered around, found the girls, watched them ride a few rides, and then went home. We sat up for a while afterwards giggling and carrying on. I haven't laughed so much in ages.

So, life goes on, the world still turns and I've found my laugh again. It's a nice reminder to enjoy the people and things you care about....