Saturday, June 20, 2009

I Would Never Wish Bad Things...

I try really hard to "be the bigger person" and it takes something outrageously unacceptable for me to cut someone out of my life. I've forgiven things I thought I'd never forgive, and have learned that saying "never" to something is pretty much the quickest way to bring it about.

That being said...I'm extremely quick to anger. I have a short fuse and it doesn't take much to make me lose my shit and scream at someone. But that's usually where it ends. It's rare for me to hold a grudge. The only way I can even bring myself to do it is by ending contact with that person, and even that is not foolproof. I believe in second chances, I believe in letting people make amends, if they are so inclined. Life is so short and choosing hate over love, choosing hatred over forgiveness seems so wasteful. There is plenty of anger and hatred in this world, and far too little forgiveness and acceptance.

Of course, I'm human, and an extremely high-strung human at that. While my heart breaks over any tragedy that occurs to someone, I must admit I take a fiendish delight in the smaller mishaps that occur in someone's life when I am angry with them, or if I don't particularly care for them. Is it honorable? No, of course not, and regardless of how altruistic I want to be, when I'm hurting over something that someone has done to me or to someone I love, I want them to feel a bit of that. I want there to be some kind of punishment. I'm not saying I want bad things to happen, mind you...

A former friend of mine referred to this sort of thing as "tiny acts of terrorism." Of course, these were things she would do, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about things I can't control that makes the person in question a tiny bit unhappy. For instance, I'm watching the last season of The L Word right now, and one of my ex's favorite characters (Shane) has hooked up with her most hated character (Jenny). And I have to admit I thought about the reaction she'll have when she sees it (if she hasn't already) and I giggled...for about five minutes.

I don't want bad things to happen to her, or anyone else for that matter...but there is a tiny vindictive part of me that would love to exact revenge. Thankfully, the rest of me is a bit more mature and compassionate. So, while I genuinely hope that she finds the happiness that has eluded her, and that nothing catastrophic happens in her life, I refuse to feel guilty about my moment of vindictive glee. And I'm honest enough to admit where it comes from, and that it exists...can you really ask for more from me?

3 comments:

Archaeogoddess said...

Meanwhile, I TOTALLY want bad things to happen to the people I don't like. And I take great delight in hearing that people I despise have had bad things happen to them. The worst it is for them, the sweeter it is to me. Schadenfreude? I has it.

painterjayne said...

After a horrible set of phone experiences with a Philly university, in which one creep drove me to tears, I am now deeply desirous for bad things to happen to him. I was calling as a parent and asking for information that anywhere else, is available on-line. Anyway, the important point isn't who or what THEY are. I believe how I am reacting is normal. I wish I didn't wish him (especially) harm, but I do.

Lou Ann said...

aaahh...humanity - as we are all human, we have not yet elevated ourselves to Divinity....and even the Devine have extracted far more "payback" and vindictiveness than we mere humans could even imagine! So, dearhearts, no, you are not monsters, and yes, we all go thru these things, even tho we shouldn't....I know I do...I just hope my hopes and wishes (those that are truly catastraphic and life threatening) do not grow into realizations when I am trying to extract some satisfaction for myself...so, if ya happen to think of it while you ARE preparing revenge (no matter to what degree) try to temper it just a might - but, if for some reason you "forget" or slip up and those things DO happen, remember, you are, after all, human.