I'm a giver by nature. It's in my blood. Someone says "Can you-" and before they can finish their sentence, I'm all..."Fuck yeah, I can...now who did you want me to hold down so you can shave your initials in their pubic hair?" The problem is...that the whole giving thing is actually something I do because somehow, somewhere in my twisted history, I got some wires mixed up and my brain interprets the needs of others as the way to find my own value.
And secretly, deep inside me, there's a grouchy, shriveled shrew who is pissed off at this automatic agreement to do whatever anyone asks me. It makes me whiny and not at all attractive even to myself. I'm all "Boohoo...Why does everyone always want something from me." And I'm surly and as anyone who knows me can attest, if I don't want to do something, it either doesn't get done, or it gets done in the most half-assed fashion you can imagine. And I bitch about it the whole time.
This is not to say that there aren't times when I joyfully do things for people I love because I love them and I want the best for them. Because that happens. Sometimes. When the planets are alligned just so...
I was talking to my cousin (and friend) B the other day, and she asked me to do something, and though I didn't want to, didn't really have time to, and probably would have bailed at the last moment, anyway, I said yes. But I said it half-heartedly and she knew I didn't really mean it...so she yelled at me for saying yes. She was all, "Why didn't you just say no? Didn't you just spend hours bitching about how you're going to be assertive and say no? Grow a spine, woman." So, I said no. And the sky didn't fall. And she called me later to make sure I was okay, so obviously I didn't hurt our relationship any.
This week, the midget was visiting her father. And I had plans...plans which included staying in bed, resting and relaxing and not do anything for anyone, besides feeding my dogs and being their doorman. Which I did. And I am struggling with the guilt of it, because my other cousin called me about 50 times asking me for help with this or that or the other thing. And she's not a girl who can manage for herself. So not doing things for her feels like kicking a puppy. Except that doing things for her becomes drudgery and I build up boatloads of resentment. It gets so that I don't want to answer the phone when she calls, I just want to curl up in my bed with the blankets over my head and pretend like I'm not here.
It's a bad combination...a girl who can't do anything for herself and a girl who can't say no.
Which brings me to this...I love this song, it's on my iPod and I'm only half-joking when I say it's my theme song.
1 comment:
aah honey - you got it wrong! You are so very valuable! And the fact that you are a giving person only shows that! As far as giving value to yourself, that's also in your blood - for some reason, we all have that problem - but I think you (and me too) are working thru that little quirk - you ARE of great value! Try to remember that.
Post a Comment